Is Your Partner Talking About Leaving? Here is What Helps

“When we face pain in relationships our first response is often to sever bonds rather than to maintain commitment.” ― bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions

I find this to be a very apt quote. Over the last month, several clients came in devastated because their partner stated they wanted to leave. Partners who feel threatened, hurt, or frustrated want to get away. But if you don’t want your partner to leave, here are some things to think about.

People want to leave when they:

1. Don’t feel heard

2. Don’t feel valued

3. Think nothing will change and that the problem is permanent 

I know you may be panicked and that can cause reactivity. I encourage you to take a deep breath, pause and think about what are less helpful and more helpful responses.

Try to avoid:

1. Blame

2. Silent treatment and stonewalling

3. Flirting with others

4. Refusing to back and down and a determination to win

Even though it is really understandable to do this when you are upset, they tend to cause more distance.

 More Helpful Responses:

1. Ask what they are feeling and really listen

2. State what you heard in a non-judgmental manner

3. Talk about fixing the problem

4. Reflect their hurt

5. Let them know they are important to you

The most helpful response, if you want to keep the relationship, is one that deescalates and reestablishes a positive connection. Your partner is upset and forgetting all the things they value and like about you.  Stay calm and listen. This will help them remember. 

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