“Every relationship has its own problems. But sometimes, what makes it perfect, is if you still wanna be together when things go the wrong way.”
— Leo Buscaglia
Grow together at any stage of your relationship with couples therapy.
You love each other and have a lot of strengths together. Yet intense, repeated arguments make you upset and distant. You want to fight less so you can trust each other more.
Do you love each other but have trouble with conflict?
Do you wish that you were getting along better?
Are you craving more closeness and affection?
Are you worried that your partner doesn’t hear you?
Do you miss being better friends?
Are you noticing the problems more than the strengths of your relationship?
Does your partner have OCD, and you feel controlled and frustrated?
If so, couples therapy can help.
What is couples therapy?
Couples therapy is a process that helps partners improve communication and build trust. They learn to understand one another more deeply, which lets them feel closer and be more connected.
How I Use the Gottman Method in Couples Therapy
The Gottman Method Couples Therapy is based on 40 years of evidence-based research. It is considered one of the most effective methods for couples work— and it makes sense to clients because it’s logical, structured, and clear.
Step 1: Build the Ability to Respond
The way I use the Gottman Method starts with helping couples to reduce the fight-flight-freeze response that happens in conflict. This is a helpful response when attacked by a mugger, but not when you feel attacked by your partner. When couples slow down this response, they are better able to hear each other.
Step 2: Become Aware of Patterns
Next, I help couples notice a destructive communication pattern called the Four Horsemen—criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness.
When these four patterns arise, the couple is really struggling. Finding the ‘antidotes’ really helps couples to shift their actions and responses and turn toward one another.
Step 3: Practice Conversations in New Ways
Couples begin to learn to slow down their conversations and be more able to hear one another better using the Gottman–Rappaport dialogue.
Step 4: Discover Hidden Dreams within Conflict
From there, I help couples get beneath the surface and find the unmet need or dream that is buried in the conflict. They begin to work around it using the Gottman Compromise ovals, which help the couple look at areas of inflexibility and flexibility.
My Training and Experience with the Gottman Method in Couples Therapy
I am trained through level three of the Gottman Method. I find that providing the structure of the Gottman Method combined with flexibility best meets the needs of most couples. The couples that work with me really like that there is a plan for therapy—and that I am confident and knowledgeable in my ability to help them.
Couples therapy can help you identify deeper issues underlying problems, such as lack of trust or not feeling heard.
Ready to improve trust and communication with couples therapy?
Schedule an introductory call. Complete this form, and Ruth will be in touch within 1 business day.
FAQ: What Happens in Couples Therapy?
What if I am not right?
Couples work is not about finding out who is wrong and right. There are a few situations in which one partner may be completely right, such as certain betrayals. But in most situations, there are just two people who are hurt, love each other, and are gridlocked on an issue. Usually the issue is deeper than what is on the surface of the argument. Couples therapy using the Gottman approach will focus on helping the couple to:
communicate more effectively
find the unmet needs or the dreams under the conflict
rebuild closeness, fondness, and intimacy
Probably both of you are right AND could make some changes.
Will the therapist take sides?
A couple’s therapist’s role is never to take sides but to help build a bridge between the partners in the relationship. A Gottman Couples therapist assists each person to hear the other. That way the conversation can move away from polarized conflict to address both partners’ deeper issues and needs. The therapist's job is to find the areas of flexibility and connection when there is a gridlocked concern.
Am I going to feel better right away?
Sometimes yes but sometimes no. Couples work can be very difficult because the couple will have to talk about challenging issues in depth and possibly hear painful feedback. In some cases, the couple may feel a little worse before they start to feel better.
My partner doesn’t think therapy will help, but I want to save our relationship. Can my relationship improve without him/her/them coming to therapy?
Of course! We can work on the patterns in the relationship with just you. We’ll discuss different ways you can talk with your partner and whether those changes in communication style are helping. We’ll also talk about ways to improve closeness, trust, and enjoyment.
What if the relationship can’t be saved?
Most couples who participate in therapy improve their relationship. But occasionally, couples find out that they aren’t a good fit. Realistically, if the relationship can’t be saved, then it would end with or without the therapy. Having a third party guiding and helping the couple to talk can enable them to end the relationship in a calmer and kinder way than would have been possible otherwise. In addition, couples therapy can help both partners to navigate the painful emotions that come with the end of a relationship.
Resources to Improve Your Relationship
What to Do if You Don’t Trust Each Other
Practical recommendations for building trust and emotional safety with a partner, restoring trust after conflict, and managing insecurities that make trust difficult.
The 5 Surprising Keys to a Long-Lasting Relationship
Fascinating research suggesting that conflict plays an important role in sustaining strong relationships, and that an absence of conflict may indicate a relationship is in trouble.
Break-Ups Don’t Have to Leave You Broken
Ending a relationship can provide an opportunity for growth and learning, even when the break-up is painful. This video presents helpful research and recommendations.
Making Marriage Work
An excellent video about tools and techniques that can help couples to build strong relationships
Pursue Your Partner at Every Stage of Marriage
An idea central to healthy relationships—continual, purposeful dating and practice is not only helpful, but is central to cultivating and maintaining meaningful attunement, connection, and intimacy in romantic relationships.
“In order to get a healthier, more productive place, we need to give up our fear of conflict, turmoil, and resistance.”
-John Gottman