Therapy for Divorce

Client Stories

The Breaking Point

Yolanda came in because she was on the brink of divorce. After fourteen years of marriage, with 3 children, she and her partner Tom struggled to communicate.

Yolanda came in because she was on the brink of divorce. After fourteen years of marriage, with 3 children, she and her partner Tom struggled to communicate when he wasn’t doing enough around the house.

Things got worse when she went back to work full-time. They tried discussing it themselves, but she felt unheard and increasingly unappreciated. They were no longer feeling intimate and stopped spending time together as a couple. 

Short-tempered and irritable, she hated herself for her behavior but felt trapped. She could not recall how things got to this breaking point.

How Yolanda Grew

In therapy, Yolanda began to uncover deeper fears. She connected what she was thinking and feeling using cognitive behavioral therapy. She then came to understand how those feelings and thoughts impacted her reactions toward Tom and their relationship.

Yolanda realized that one trigger for her was that she had been a caretaker to her parents. Her parents had both struggled with addiction and mental health issues. She realized that even without that childhood experience, she would have been frustrated with Tom. But she came to understand that she was especially upset because she did not want to be in a caretaker role anymore. Yolanda wanted to learn to be in reciprocal relationships. 

We pinpointed her limiting behaviors and determined how she could balance giving to others with understanding and asserting her own needs. I coached her to tell Tom in a calm, kind, and direct way about her concerns and needs. From there, she learned to discuss what was frustrating her and what he could do that would be helpful.

The Relationship Was Saved

Tom eventually opened up too. He was willing to tell Yolanda what would help him feel more comfortable in the marriage. He was frustrated that she never told him what she was upset about and just shut him out. That left him feeling discounted and dismissed. He also missed their friendship and their sexual connection. 

Yolanda and Tom stayed together, and three years later, they are happier and closer. They have better sexual chemistry and have rebuilt a strong friendship. They are able to meet more of each other’s needs. When there is conflict, they are able to talk it through and come together as partners.

Learn from Beth’s Story about Thriving After Divorce

Beth’s husband left her and initiated a divorce. She felt angry at him, but she also felt strongly that she hadn’t tried hard enough.  Beth was depressed, had no motivation, and found herself isolated from her friends. She was impatient with her kids and wasn’t the mother she had been before he left. She worried about the effect of the divorce on her children.

In our journey, she examined her belief that the divorce was her fault. Through the lens of Cognitive Therapy, she looked at the connections between what she thought, felt, and did. We considered which of her actions and patterns were leaving her trapped. 

Beth had received a message while growing up that she was too needy and too anxious and that she risked being abandoned if she didn’t accommodate others. In therapy, she realized that she had carried those beliefs into her marriage.

Constantly trying to please her partner left her feeling chronically anxious. She didn’t want to let go of caring about other people’s needs, but she did want to learn to find a balance between her needs and others. She practiced setting more boundaries in her life by saying “no.” As we began to experiment with this new practice, she worried that people would no longer like her and that she would lose her relationships. 

She began by setting limits in more casual relationships. When that got easier, she practiced with closer friends, her family, and eventually her former spouse.

Through our work together, she also realized that she and her ex approached life in very different ways. She accepted that although they could co-parent effectively, they didn’t fit together well in a marriage. She completed therapy feeling comfortable with the divorce, more able to set limits in all of her relationships, and dating someone more suited to her.

Resources for Divorce