Having a partner with OCD
It can be very challenging to have a loved one or partner with OCD. The disorder can seem confusing. You may feel controlled and frustrated by your loved one. It can feel like OCD is blocking your relationship. You may want to help but feel unsure about what to do.
Following the steps described below will help, as will meeting with a qualified professional.
Understand the disorder:
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder starts with an obsessive and intrusive thought. The thought can be graphic and disturbing. In many cases, sufferers experience intense and ceaseless doubts about themselves, centering on different themes. The themes are usually connected to a core fear about something the person values. Some examples include:
· Doubt that they know their sexuality, which is called Sexual Orientation OCD or SO-OCD
· Doubt that they know how they feel about their partner, which is called Relationship OCD or ROCD and can cause enormous confusion or pain for the partner
· Doubt that they can be sure they aren’t a pedophile, called Pedophile OCD or POCD
· Doubt that they can be trusted around sharp objects like knives, called Harm OCD
· Doubt that items they touch are clean enough and free of dangerous contamination
A person who does not suffer from OCD would ignore an occasional thought of this kind. An OCD sufferer, however, believes that the thought is significant and responds with a compulsive action. A compulsion can be a physical act like checking a door or washing repeatedly. Compulsions can also be mental acts, like thinking something over and over. Finally, they can be interpersonal, such as asking a partner for reassurance repeatedly or asking people they live with to wash excessively or to rearrange the house. The compulsive act alleviates the OCD sufferer’s discomfort in the short run. Over time, however, people who suffer from untreated OCD find that they need to perform more and more compulsive acts in order to feel relief.
Get support for your own understandable, intense emotions:
Partners of people with OCD can feel angry,frustrated, or hopeless. They may want to help or want to exert control. All these feelings are valid. And please know that it isn’t hopeless. It helps to get support for yourself. There are in-person and on-line groups for partners. There are also OCD walks and podcasts to find more information. The International OCD Foundation has a list of apps that will connect you with on-line support communities.
Please be as non-judgmental as possible:
It is helpful to be as non-judgmental as possible with your loved one. Try to separate feeling frustrated with OCD from feeling frustrated with your partner. They are not choosing to have this disorder and it causes them as much pain as it causes you.
Empathize with the pain OCD causes them:
Show that you love them and empathize with how hard it is to have the disorder. OCD is a maddening and relentless disorder. People say that suffering from OCD feels like being in a prison. Others say it is like having a lawyer-bully in your head debating you all the time. Let your partner know that you care and are so sorry that they have to go through this.
When you live with someone with OCD you can feel controlled:
It is normal to feel controlled by OCD when your loved one has OCD. The OCD sufferer is truly afraid that if you don’t do that compulsion, you will be in harm’s way. You may know it’s an OCD ritual, but you may want to keep the peace or to avoid a fight. Understand that this frustration is a usual experience for partners and loved ones and get support from a professional like me who understands both OCD and couples counseling.
Please don’t compulse with them:
As hard as this is, you should work hard not to compulse with your loved one or partner. Compulsing with them fuels the OCD cycle. An action on your part that feels helpful and loving, like washing your hands again, actually feeds the disorder.
If they want you to compulse, you can respectfully decline. Think of it this way: If your partner’s problem was cutting themselves to feel better, you probably wouldn’t hand them the knife. If your partner’s problem were an addiction to substances, ideally you wouldn’t supply them.
Not compulsing with your partner is much easier said than done and you may need the aid of a professional like me to get help with this. Even if you are compulsing with your partner currently it is never too late to change.
Suggest therapy without controlling or forcing:
You can gently suggest, without forcing or controlling, that they get help from a qualified specialist. The unfortunate truth is that some people are ready to be influenced by their partner and others are not ready. It is very hard to live with someone who is not ready, but you can’t make them be ready. If your partner isn’t ready to change, talk to a professional that can help with best practices in effective communication.
Get help with effective communication:
With support from a professional with expertise in couples counseling, communication and OCD, you can learn how to maximize your influence.
Sometimes when we are worried or hurt, we express ourselves in less than ideal ways. This is called our Vulnerability Cycle. We may yell. We may threaten. We may shut down and avoid our partner. We may try to control our partner or the OCD. The Vulnerability Cycle behaviors are usually a response to situations in our intimate relationship that are out of our control and impacting the relationship.
This way of communicating is a response to seeing our partner suffer, feeling controlled by them, and wanting to help. But unfortunately they are also behaviors that can create even more distance in the relationship.
The good news is that there may be more constructive ways to express your worries. If you are struggling, a trained mental health professional for OCD and Couples Therapy like myself can help you do that.