Healing After Divorce
Facts about Divorce
Divorces can require varying amounts of time and money. One variable is the state in which the couple files. If both partners agree, in some states divorces are completed in less than 6 months. If the divorce is contested, then it tends to take more than a year. There is an average cost of $7000, but some divorces can be less or much more expensive. Mediation is less costly than legal representation.
How long will it take to recover emotionally?
Divorce can be described as an “ambiguous loss.” The person who you were married to is still alive, but the love has died. Divorcing individuals often mourn the loss of the future and dreams and hopes with their partners. They may have to cope with lots of confusion as they restart their lives. As with any grief, it may be very hard for the individual to know what they need to heal.
Often the first 6 months are the hardest. There is a conventional wisdom that it takes one year to heal for every 5 years of marriage, but there doesn't seem to be any research to support that statement. The amount of time that it takes to heal depends on many factors. For example, if the divorce was a surprise, if there was infidelity or financial betrayal, if there are children, and if there is substantial financial impact, healing from divorce may require more time.
Some concerning research has found that both men and women have higher rates of depression and illness in the first years after a divorce. Other studies indicate that most people are much happier in the long run, however.
What can I do to help myself recover from a divorce?
Everyone grieves differently, but most people find the following practices helpful: First, be sure to care for your physical needs by getting enough sleep and eating healthy food. Getting support from friends and others going through divorce can help. As with any grief process, it is ideal to allow all of your conflicting emotions and to practice self-compassion.
Another suggestion is to avoid making major life changes right after the divorce, except those that are absolutely necessary. Some major changes are out of your control; you may have to move to a new house or change your child’s school. But it is helpful to pause before making big changes when that is possible. If you have children, when possible, a pause will allow them to get more used to the idea of the change and lower their anxiety. For an individual who is getting divorced, delaying major changes may prevent impulsive choices that feel better in the short run but not the long term. For example, you could be tempted to move to a different city to get away from your former partner but then realize that the new location isn’t a fit for you or that the financial cost is too high. Right after a divorce some people may want to change as much as possible in order to feel better, but if the changes can wait that is usually more helpful in the healing process.
It may be helpful to reconnect with the person you were before the divorce. Revisit hobbies or interests that were important to you before the relationship or parts of yourself that were on hold during the relationship. Of course, taking time out for good cries, spa days, or a vacation can always help, if that is financially feasible for you.
How does therapy after a divorce help?
If you find yourself stuck emotionally due to the divorce, feel free to reach out to a therapist like me who can help you on your journey. You may feel that the hurt and anger isn’t fading, or you may worry about repeating relationship patterns. Perhaps you don’t know how to allow space for your emotions or struggle with self-compassion. Maybe the divorce has triggered earlier losses and you need a space to process them. Or you may just want to find a place to feel your feelings and make a plan to move forward in life. Those are great times to reach out to a therapist and get the support you deserve.