Negative Sentiment Override & Your Relationship?
At times we can feel so frustrated with our partners that we enter a state Gottman Couples Therapy calls “Negative Sentiment Override” (NSO). In that state, we see another individual as only the amalgamation of their most upsetting and problematic qualities. There is little ability to see anything positive about the other person. Things that your partner does that could in other circumstances seem neutral or positive are instead seen through this negative filter. If you are in NSO, then your partner buying you a nice gift could be interpreted as an attempt at manipulation rather than a caring gesture.
NSO generally results from upsetting past experiences with your partner or untrustworthy relationships before your current relationship. Negative Sentiment Override can be caused by any repeated unresolved problems that cause trust, affection, and warmth to erode over time.
In a relationship that is working, there might be short moments of this type of frustration. For relationships that are really struggling, however, this state may persist most of the time. It is a very toxic state in a relationship because one person's Negative Sentiment can then evoke a similar reaction in the other partner. It is rare for one person to receive blame, anger, or criticism without returning something similar.
If you are worried that you are in Negative Sentiment Override, here is a quiz adapted from the Gottman book “What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal.”
If you are in NSO, there are many techniques that a Gottman Couples Therapist would suggest to help you shift your mindset:
Wait for the physiological flooding or fight/flight/freeze reaction to pass before attempting to work through a challenge with your partner. Negative Sentiment Override often involves an intense FFF (flight/flight/freeze) response. This reaction evolved to enable us to survive a physical threat. Among the changes in your body include loss of peripheral vision, sharper hearing, increased blood flow to your muscles, and diminished perception of pain. None of these changes increase our ability to talk through complex problems and increase understanding in order to find a solution. Whatever works for you to come out of physiological flooding is key to getting away from Negative Sentiment Override. You can try exercise, mindfulness techniques, and even changing your body temperature by taking a hot shower or drinking a cold drink. Taking those actions can reduce flooding and put you in a better mindset to talk.
Try to empathize with your partner: Can you understand where your partner is coming from? Do you know enough about their history and triggers to understand why they see the way they do? Working to empathize doesn’t mean that you agree with them. But seeking understanding in the midst of disagreement gives you a way to build a bridge from one set of needs to the other.
Use better communication practices: Avoid statements of blame, and instead use “I” statements to describe your own experience in a respectful way. An example is moving from saying “you don’t care” to “I don’t feel loved when you _______.” Blame, criticism and “you statements” increase the likelihood of defensiveness on the part of the recipient. Speaking calmly and kindly about your experiences and needs can reduce defensiveness, even if it won’t completely eliminate defensive reactions.
Create a culture of appreciation: Most partners have good and bad points. Remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Everyone has strengths. Try to focus on what your partner brings to the relationship. It can feel hard to do this when you are feeling hurt and let down. But if you create a practice of appreciating them for what your partner brings to your life, you may realize that you have a much better relationship than you had thought.
These can be very hard changes to make. However, if you reduce the NSO and increase the appreciation, you can rekindle the connection with your partner and both feel more understanding and support.